Batmare Begins - Chapter 12: Tabula Rasae, Part 1

“Come on, come on.”  Concentrating with all her might, Derpy stared intently straight into the bathroom mirror.  After a few minutes of getting nowhere, her eyes slowly but surely began drifting away from their straightened position until they closely resembled her old, cross-eyed expression.  Breathing a sigh of relief, Derpy spent a few moments practicing reverting them back and forth between their straightened and cross-eyed appearances.  It took a lot of concentration, but she figured that if she kept practicing it’d get easier in time to switch between the two semblances.

At the sound of a knock upon the bathroom door, Derpy called, “Come in!”  Carrot Top immediately entered, holding a steaming mug full of cream-colored coffee.

“Hey, you alright?” her friend asked.

“Yeah, fine,” Derpy replied, shaking her head as she peeled her eyes away from the mirror.  “Just practicing some things with my eyes, is all.”

“Oh.  Like what?” Carrot inquired, raising a curious eyebrow.

“I’m trying to see if I can make ‘em cross-eyed like before.”

“OK… why?”  Now Carrot was genuinely confused, though Derpy couldn’t really blame her given the seeming randomness of it all.

“I figure it might put some ponies around town at ease if they see me with the ol’ cross-eyed expression.  Help convince them I’m still me, ya know, same old same old.”

“Yeah, I think I see what you’re getting at.  So how’s it going so far?”

“Pretty good, better than I thought it initially would.  Guess my body got so used to the old expression that it’s easier to revert to it if I want to.  Bet if I keep at it, I’ll have it down like clockwork in no time.”  Carrot nodded in understanding, taking a sip from her mug.

“Well, you better get going, work day’s going to start soon and you probably want to catch Postmark before he gets swamped,” she suggested.  Derpy nodded in agreement, and grabbed an old saddlebag from her closet before making her way downstairs.

“Yeah, good call, just gonna grab a bite to eat at Sugarcube Corner before I go,” she mentioned, stopping in her tracks when an unfortunate realization suddenly dawned on her.  “Uhhhhh… you wouldn’t be able to spare a few bits, would you?” she asked, her face reddening.  She looked down at her hooves in embarrassment, but Carrot nodded understandingly and fetched a hoofful from her own saddlebag.

“Here, don’t worry about it, really,” she insisted, hoofing the bits off to Derpy.  “Just be sure to get some money out of the bank as soon as possible.  Your checking and savings accounts should still be opened same as always.”

“Thanks,” Derpy said, gratefully accepting the bits, “Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to pay you back.”  The two friends shared a quick embrace, squeezing each other tightly.

“Alright, go get ‘em,” Carrot said in encouragement.  “Just be your old, lovable self, and you’ll do fine.”

“Right, yeah, just be myself.”  Derpy headed for the door, taking one last, steadying breath to calm her nerves.  “OK, wish me luck.  Look out Ponyville, I’m back!”

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“This is Ponyville Railway Station, Ponyville Main Street.  All departing passengers, please check your overhead luggage rack for any personal belongings, and have a pleasant day.”

A pale brown stallion looked up from the day-old newspaper he’d been dully browsing through for the past hour and glanced out the passenger car window.  Sure enough, this was his stop.  Tossing away the paper, the stallion grabbed a saddlebag from an overhead compartment above his seat and slung it over his back before stepping out onto the simple railway platform.  Spying a station porter handling his luggage, he trotted over to him.

“Good morning, lad,” he said to the teenaged colt.  “Would you be so kind as to take my bags to the Silver Saddle Inn for me?  I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”  Digging through his saddlebag, he produced a bag of bits and hoofed over five to the colt.

“Gee, thanks mister,” the colt said.  “I’ll be sure to get these over there right away.  Who should I tell the staff to hold them for?”

“Time Turner, if you will,” he replied.  “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know a good place to grab a bite to eat, would you?”

“Oh sure, Sugarcube Corner’s pretty much the go-to place around here for early morning commuters.  Just a few blocks away from here, you can’t miss it, looks like a giant gingerbread house.  I’m sure you’ll be able to find something there to your liking.  Anything else I can help you with?”

Time Turner thought for a moment before nodding.  “Sure, one more thing.  Could you point me to where the Ponyville Police Department is?”

The colt nodded and gestured over his shoulder.  “Yeah, that’s easy, just head towards town hall in the center of town, you can’t miss it, biggest building in Ponyville.  The police station’s right across the street from it.”

“Thank you, son,” Time said, tossing the colt another bit.  “You run along now and get my bags to the inn.”

“Yes sir!” the colt said, saluting the stallion before he started loading his luggage onto a cart.  Departing from the railway platform, Time trotted further into the awakening town in the direction the colt had indicated Sugarcube Corner was in.

The sun was still low in the sky, but slowly climbing higher and higher, its rays brightening the whole town.  Mares and stallions left their homes for work, some setting up shop in Ponyville’s marketplace, and fillies and colts made their way to school, a few of the littler ones accompanied by a watchful parent.  A few passing ponies shared morning greetings with the unfamiliar stallion, which he cheerfully returned.  All around Time, life was blossoming, ready for a new day.

Seems like a rather pleasant place, actually.  Can’t imagine what could possibly be wrong here; certainly isn’t Manehattan, that’s for sure.  Kind of reminds me of home, now that I think about it.

Turning a corner, he came face-to-face with what he could only assume was Sugarcube Corner.

Oh wow… lad wasn’t joking, it does look like a giant gingerbread house.  What a strange establishment.  That’s certainly something I wouldn’t see back home.  Might even be a bit much for Manehattanites’ tastes.

Entering the building (which itself almost looked good enough to eat), Time was greeted by a plethora of sugary smells.  Being a bakery, he hoped they might carry something besides sugary confections; he wasn’t very much in the mood for sweets this early in the morning.  Making his way into the thankfully short line to the register, Time found his attention drawn towards a commotion in the shop that seemed far too animated for this time of day.  Its source, much to his disbelief, seemed to be one single pony alone, a very pink earth pony who appeared to be bouncing circles around a grey pegasus.  What was even stranger was that everypony else in the store, including the pestered pegasus, seemed to be taking all of this in stride as though it were no more odd than a summer shower.

“OK, first I have to get a ‘Welcome Back Derpy Jamboree’ put together, wait, no no, that can’t be it.  How about ‘Yay You’re Back and Not a Changeling Blowout’?  Or perhaps ‘Super Spring Surprise Derpy’s Back Bash’?  Oh oh, I know, ‘Yay Hurray So Very Happy You’re Not Deadapalooza’!”

“Those all sound great Pinkie, but I’m sure you’ll settle on just the right one,” the pegasus said, giggling.

“And thennnnnnn you have to tell us all just where you’ve been!” the incredibly hyper mare continued.

“Well, I’ll tell you all what I can, but some of it’s a bit personal and private.  You understand, right?”

The one apparently called Pinkie bobbed her head up and down, and without missing a beat said, “Oh of course, nopony likes a snoopy McNosy pony sticking their nose where no nose should go.  Should we make a list of everything you don’t want to talk about?”

The pegasus shook her head and replied, “Nah, that’s probably not necessary.  We can figure out the details later; besides, you should probably get back to work, looks like you’re starting to get more customers.  Talk to ya later, Pinkie.  It’s good to see ya again.”

“Okie dokie loki!  Later Derpy!  La-lala-lala.”  Just like that, the pink pony bounced off to some other part of the store.

What a strange pony.

Time turned back to the line when suddenly–

“Hi!”

“Gah!” Time cried out, jumping at the sudden appearance of the very same pink pony he’d definitely seen only seconds before on the other side of the store now directly adjacent to him, as if she’d manifested out of thin air.  “What?  I mean- how, what, but you were there, and now you’re here, and–”

“I’ve never seen you before!  My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s your name?”

Well that seemed a harmless enough question to answer.  “Uh, Time.  Time Turner.”

“Nice ta meetcha Time!  Or do you prefer Turner?  Or maybe Mister Turner?  Timey?  T.T.?  Turneriffic?  Timetabulous?  Tim?”

Offering only a confused blank expression in return, Time responded the only way he could to that.  “What?  Er, I mean, no, just Time is fine, thanks.”

“Nice ta meetcha Time!  So what brings you to our little corner of Equestria on this funtastical morning we’re having?”

“Well work, actually.  Starting a new job here, and just got in on the train this morning from Maneha- are you quite alright?”  Quick as a flash, Pinkie’s eyes had widened at an alarming rate and her jaw had dropped so low Time could’ve sworn he could fit his head into her gaping maw.  Just as quickly, however, her gasping came to an abrupt end, only to be replaced by a smile that did not seem to stop growing.

“So you’re new in town?!” Pinkie asked, pulling Time in closer and waiting for his answer with bated breath.

“Um… yes.”

Before Time knew what was happening, he was in the clutches of the tightest (and pinkest) vise he’d ever been in in his life.  Just as his vision started getting blurry from air deprivation, the pink force relinquished her grip upon him and instead started bouncing around him repeatedly, all the while gleefully cheering, “Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!”

Oh sweet Celestia, what did I do wrong?

“Oh my gosh, this is the best day EVER!  First I get one, and now two new parties to plan?!  Now I’ve got to show you around town and introduce you to everypony, make a list of your favorite flavors of ice cream, pick up a dozen avocados and piñatas from the Avocados and Piñatas store, and learn everything there is to know about you!  Could this possibly get any better?  OK, first question: have you ever been or plan to be at some point in the future allergic to okra?”

Time had never seen anything like it; her mouth just kept moving and would not stop, as if it had a mind of its own.  Just when it seemed like she couldn’t possibly think up anything else to say, more words just came pouring out of her like a flooded river crashing through a smashed dam.  Thankfully salvation came in the form of an amber earth pony standing behind the counter.

“Pinkie, what did we tell you about smothering customers?” the stallion wearily admonished.

“Awwwww, but Mister Cake, I hadn’t evened gotten around to my Welcome Wagon Welcome song yet!”

“No, not in here!  You’re holding up the line and we told you two weeks ago that you had to stop bringing that in, it was scuffing up the floor and you kept getting confetti and cake batter everywhere.”

“But this time I’m sure I put the confetti in the confetti cannons and the cake batter in the oven,” Pinkie pleaded.  “At least I think I did.  Though there was that welcome party for Bitta Blues just two days ago, and I may have had Gummy restock the Welcome Wagon after that since I was also busy with Lucky Clover’s birthday party that day, and sometimes he mixes up the cake batter and confetti, which you’d think he wouldn’t since alligators aren’t color blind, but–”

“Never mind that.  Pinkie, would you be a dear and go into the kitchen to see if Missus Cake needs your help with any orders?” Mr. Cake asked.

“Yepperoni!” she said, and without another word she bounced her way back through a set of batwing doors, leaving a thoroughly flummoxed Time Turner behind.

“So sorry about that, sir, Pinkie can get a little… overenthusiastic sometimes,” Mr. Cake explained, chuckling.

“I can see that… er, no worries though, it’s no trouble at all, really,” Time assured him.  “Sorry, I don’t believe I caught your name.”

“Of course, my apologies.  I’m Carrot Cake, owner of this fine establishment along with my wife Cup Cake.  You already met Pinkie Pie, she’s not family but rents the loft on the third floor.  Then there’s our twin foals, Pound and Pumpkin; they’re not awake right now, but you’ll probably see us around town with them soon enough.  And you are?”

“Time Turner, pleasure to meet you,” he said.

“Likewise.  So, what can I get you this morning Mister Turner?” Mr. Cake asked.

“Well I was wondering if you might happen to have some muffins.  I’ve got a real hankering this morning for a buttered muffin.”

“Certainly!” Mr. Cake replied.  “Have a look for yourself, we’ve got all sorts of muffins right here for you to choose from.”  He indicated the display case in front of him, but after a moment’s survey Time only gave a puzzled look in return.

“Sorry, you’ve got some lovely looking baked goods here, but I can’t seem to find any muffins.”

“What?” Mr. Cake gave him a perplexed look of his own.  “Sir, there’s two rows of them right here.”

“Where, behind the sweet buns?  I’m telling you, there’s no muffins in there.”  By now the line behind Time was starting to grow, and some ponies were getting rowdy.  “You know, muffins, small, round, flat, you toast and butter them?”

“Ohhhhhhh, you mean Trottish muffins!”  Both Time and Mr. Cake looked directly behind him to find that same grey pegasus whom Pinkie had been talking to earlier.  “I was passing through Canterlot once on a delivery and asked for some muffins at a local bakery, and that’s all they had.  Nasty things, so dry, absolutely no flavor whatsoever.  Uh, no offense.”

“Um, none taken,” Time replied.

“Oh, Trottish muffins, of course, silly me!” Mr. Cake exclaimed.

“Ah, you do know them!  So you have some?” Time asked hopefully.

“Uh no,” Mr. Cake replied.  “Sorry, never carried them in stock ourselves.  Not much of a demand for them around here.”  Time’s shoulders sagged in disappointment.

“Well, got any bagels or anything?  Not really much in the mood for a sugary snack this time of day.”

“Our first batch of the day isn’t quite finished, but we do have some day-old ones if you’re interested,” Mr. Cake offered.

“Well, alright, sure, let me see–”

“Oh no, you don’t want some day-old bagel,” the pegasus mare interjected.  “Here, get a pumpkin muffin, I promise you it isn’t that sweet.”  Time glanced between her and the indicated confection with some apparent skepticism, but finally assented.

“Alright, fine, I’ll take one of those pumpkin muffin, sweet cake things,” he said.

“Certainly sir, coming right up!”

“And a cup of coffee too, if you have any.”

“Of course.  That’ll be three bits,” Mr. Cake said.

“Thanks,” Time said.

“I’ll take a butter rum muffin myself, Mister Cake,” the pegasus behind Time said.

“Second one already, eh Derpy?” Mr. Cake said, chuckling.

“Ah what can I say, been too long since I had ‘em, I got ‘muffin withdrawal’,” she joked.

“Alright, that’ll be two bits.”

“Here you go.  Hey mister, wait up!” she called to Time, who turned to face her.

“Uh, yes?  Can I help you, miss?” he asked.

“Just wanted to know if you’d like to join me is all.  Figured you’re looking for a place to sit, and from the looks of things, you’re also new in town, right?”  Time nodded.

“I sure am, and certainly, I’d be happy to join you.  Always happy to make a new acquaintance,” he stated.

“Great, follow me!”  The two trotted over to a nearby table and hungrily dug into their morning snacks.

“Mmmmm.  You know, this actually is pretty good,” Time remarked between bites.  “You weren’t lying, not too sweet but very flavorful.”

Derpy nodded.  “Yeah, can’t ever go wrong with a pumpkin muffin.  Always a favorite of mine,” she said through a mouthful of muffin.

“I can tell,” Time chuckled.

Swallowing the delectable snack, Derpy’s face reddened.  “Sorry, couldn’t help myself.  Kinda been awhile since I had one of these, and guess I missed them more than I realized,” she said, smiling sheepishly.

“Yeah, you mentioned that,” Time remarked.  “So from the sound of things, I gather you just got back into town, miss…”

“Oh, Hooves, Derpy Hooves.  And you are?”

“Time Turner, pleasure to meet you Miss Hooves,” he said, extending a hoof which she shook.

“Likewise, but please, call me Derpy.  Nopony calls me Miss Hooves, like, at all.  And yeah, been out of town for a little over a year,” she explained.

“Why’s that?” Time asked.

“Eh, it’s kind of personal,” Derpy replied, looking down and rubbing the back of her neck.

Oh, good one Time, didn’t take long to turn this conversation awkward.  Smooth.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to step out of bounds there.”

“Oh no, it’s fine, you’re fine!” Derpy assured him.  “It’s just a bit of a private matter is all.  Let’s just say I had to get some things squared away and straightened out in my life.”

Time nodded understandingly after taking a sip of his coffee.  “Hey, we all have ‘personal issues’ we have to deal with.  And dealing with them is better than ignoring them, I mean, that’s how we grow and all, yes?”

Oh great, now I’m telling the pony I’ve known for all of five minutes that she had a problem when I don’t even know what she was dealing with.  Truly I am the epitome of smooth.

Much to his relief, his new acquaintance didn’t seem perturbed in the slightest.  “Took the words right out of my mouth,” Derpy said in agreement.  “But enough about me, tell me about you!  What brings Time Turner to our quiet little corner of Equestria, hmmm?”

Grateful for the topic change, Time happily answered her query.  “Work, actually.  Starting a new job here with the Ponyville Police Department.”  Derpy’s eyes widened in surprise.

“So you’re a cop?”

“Well, detective actually,” Time clarified.  “But yes, I am a law enforcement officer.”

“Detective, huh?  I would’ve never guessed.  Not sure you’ll find that many crimes to investigate around here.  Where are you coming from anyway?”  Derpy asked.

“Well I’m originally from Trottingham, but I’m coming over from Manehattan and–”

“Manehattan!” Derpy exclaimed.  “You left a job with the Manehattan police force for one in Ponyville?  Sounds like somepony wanted a change of pace.”  Time gave a flick of his ears, one after the other, and silently contemplated how best to respond while periodically sipping his coffee.

“Eh… I guess you could say that,” he finally said, frowning.  “I just wanted to go where I thought I was most needed, though from what I’ve seen so far… ah, forget it.”

“Sorry,” Derpy hastily threw in.  “Was it something I said?”

“Nah, forget it, it’s nothing,” Time assured her, somewhat forcing a small smile.  “So tell me more about Ponyville.  Seems like a charming little place so far, from what I’ve seen.  Certainly would love to know more about the place I’ll be calling home from now on.”

“You sure?  What about work?”

“I actually arrived in town a little early, so I’ve still got some time yet,” Time explained.  “Though if you need to head off to your own job, don’t be late on my account!”  Derpy shook her head.

“No worries, I’ve got some time myself.  OK, where to start?  Well you’ve already met Pinkie, so you pretty much know her.  And before you ask, yes, she is always like that.”

“Always?”

“Always.  It’s for the best, really; you really don’t want to know what she’s like when she’s not herself, believe me!  Also, a word of advice: she is dead serious about that welcome party she said she’s going to throw for you, and probably already knows where you live, so don’t be surprised when it happens.  It will, trust me, it just will.”

Time briefly considered asking more about the perplexing earth pony, but swiftly decided against it.  From what he’d seen and heard already, he figured further scrutinization would lead to only more questions (and possibly a migraine).  “Right, well I’ll be sure to keep all that in mind and keep my eyes peeled for any surprise welcome parties.  Please, carry on.”

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“Cerberus?!  No way, you’re pulling my leg.”

“Nope, it’s the truth, I swear!  He was right outside just across the street, chewing on that building there.”

“Which one?”

“The one with the big strawberry and cherry fixtures on top.”

“Ohhhhhhh now I see it.  Guess I’d go for something like that too if I was a giant, three-headed dog.  How’d you all ever get rid of him?”

“Well that was thanks to Fluttershy.  She just gave him the biggest belly rub I’ve ever seen before Twilight led him back to Tartarus.  She’s kinda insanely good with animals that way, though I’m sure you’ll know all about that soon enough.  You’ll probably be dealing with Fluttershy quite a bit given that she’s also one of the Element Bearers,” Derpy remarked.

Time’s ears perked up at that.  “Oh that’s right, that bunch lives around here!  It’s so odd to think that some of Equestria’s greatest heroes live in some dainty little town in the middle of nowhere like Ponyville.”

Derpy giggled.  “Yeah, I guess it is.  Things have certainly gotten pretty interesting around here since all of that business with Nightmare Moon a couple years back.  No idea if the two are related, but we certainly seem to attract all sorts of interesting characters and creatures to our neck of the woods these days.  No one seems to mind, really, I mean, we always seem to bounce right back on our hooves.  Maybe we’re all used to it by now.”

“You’re all used to thousand-year old nightmare tyrants, guardians of Tartarus, and lords of chaos by now: should I be concerned?”  They both shared a hearty laugh, audible even over the noise of the by-now bustling crowd that filled the bakery.

All things considered, Derpy was rather pleased with herself at the moment.  She normally wasn’t one to welcome strangers to Ponyville (most folks in town left that to Pinkie Pie since, well, she was so good at it), but things had been going quite smoothly.  She’d given Time a nice rundown of Ponyville, from some of the basics like Sweet Apple Acres, the Element Bearers, and the town’s propensity for attracting bizarre and dangerous creatures, to more specific little tidbits, like how their town was one of the only ones in Equestria that still manually cleaned-up winter without the use of any magic.  It’d all come very easy to her, and it didn’t hurt that Time was a considerate listener, though at the same time a very pleasant conversationalist.

“So, where’re you staying?  Got a place of your own?” she asked.

Time shook his head.  “Not yet, no.  Only decided on the job change itself a few weeks ago, and been busy getting things settled at my old job in Manehattan since then before the move.  I’ll be at the Silver Saddle Inn for the time being until I find something more permanent.  Got any suggestions?”

“Hmmm… well, Filthy Rich manages a lot of the real estate in town; my own housemate and I rent our cottage from him.  He’d probably be able to find something for ya.  Er, don’t let the name fool you, Filthy’s a good guy for the most part, treats his tenants and business partners very fairly, even if he does like raking in the bits.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks,” Time said.  “What kind of rates does he normally char–”

“Sweet Celestia’s Sunbutt, it’s really her!” a voice suddenly cried out, a voice which Derpy knew all too well.  Before she had time to react, however, a lavender blur flew into her with the force of a buffalo charging full speed, and two hooves wrapped her in the tightest of vices.

“Argh… hey Cloud, nice to see you too,” Derpy barely managed to get out while Cloud Kicker continued to squeeze the life from her in a hug that could almost rival one of Pinkie Pie’s.

“It’s you!  You’re back, you’re really back!  Oh my gosh, where the buck have you been, you crazy filly?” Cloud exuberantly asked, mercifully relinquishing the grip of one of her forehooves as she proceeded to give Derpy the biggest noogie of her life.

“Cloud, language, we’re in a bakery for goodness’ sake, not some nightclub,” another voice called out in rebuke, this one belonging to Blossomforth.  “And let poor Derpy go, she’s half dead already the way you’re going!”

Cloud loosened her grip, much to Derpy’s relief, but blew a raspberry at Blossomforth.  “Aw, c’mon Blossom, what did you expect?  Had to go big or go home with a homecoming like this.  Although I can certainly think of a few ways it could stand to improve.  Say Derpy, care to drop by our place later today?  We can have a real bang-up welcome back bash, if you know what I mean.”  Cloud cast an expectant, promiscuous glance at Derpy and Blossomforth, her lewd gaze darting back and forth between the two.  Derpy giggled, glad to see Cloud hadn’t changed a bit, but Blossomforth on the other hoof simply rolled her eyes.

“Cute, real cute, that’s real mature Cloud.  In case you hadn’t noticed, we kinda interrupted Derpy and her friend here.”  She gestured towards the somewhat befuddled looking Time, still reeling from Cloud’s sudden appearance.  Finally letting go of Derpy, Cloud turned to Time and waved.

“Oh yeah, sorry about that,” she said, grinning sheepishly.  “Well OK, not really considering I’m pretty sure I’ve known Derpy longer than you have, but still, nice to meet you.  I’m Cloud Kicker and this spoilsport’s my marefriend, Blossomforth.  And you are?”

“Time Turner, er, a pleasure,” he said, nodding at both mares in acknowledgment.  “And don’t worry about it, I really need to be going anyways.  First day on the new job and all, certainly don’t want to be late and make a bad first impression.”  Getting up, he turned back to Derpy.  “Thanks for the warm welcome, Derpy, it’s been a pleasure meeting you.  Hope to see you again soon; maybe we’ll talk some more over muffins some other morning, eh?  Take care!”

“You too Time, good luck with the new job!” Derpy said, waving at him as he departed Sugarcube Corner.  Blossomforth gave Derpy a quick hug of her own before pulling up a chair after he left, followed by Cloud.

“He seems nice.  Nice flank, too,” Cloud remarked.

“What?” Derpy blurted.

“Oh yeah, quite the looker indeed.  Not bad, not bad at all,” Cloud continued, only to get cuffed upside the head by Blossomforth.

“Honestly, is that all you think about?  Even seeing Derpy for the first time in over a year, and that’s where your mind immediately goes?” she chided.  Cloud just shrugged her shoulders in response, all the while wearing a very self-satisfied grin.

“Hey, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em, you of all ponies should know that, my little bedroom contortionist,” she teased, nudging a blushing Blossomforth in the ribs.

“So you two are still together, huh?” Derpy asked, drawing nods in the affirmative from both mares.  “Wow, I must say I’m impressed Cloud!  Never thought you’d be one to ‘settle down,’ so to speak.”

“Well now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Cloud warned.  “It’s not like we’re married or anything.  But yeah, I guess we’ve got a pretty good thing going on, Blossom and I.  Still have some pretty crazy nights on the town sometimes, but certainly doesn’t hurt that Blossom here’s quite talented in ways I can definitely appreciate.  I mean, not as much as me, but hey, who is?”

“We’ve been living together at Cloud’s place for about six months now.  It’s a bit cramped, and I’m still not crazy about living on the ground, but we manage for the most part.  Not so bad living on the ground when we have each other.”  Blossomforth gave Cloud a short but sweet nuzzle, a gesture which was well received.

“Ahhh, the things I have to put up with now.  Look at this, I swear, I can barely keep her off me for five seconds,” Cloud teased.  “But enough about us, what about you?  Where the hay have you been, huh?  Spill it, we wanna know everything, and I mean ev-er-y-thing.”

“Don’t you two have work with the weather team?  I don’t want you guys to be late,” Derpy noted.

“Aw c’mon, our supervisor’s Dash for crying out loud, she won’t mind!” Cloud assured her.  “If anything she’ll probably be happy she gets a chance to show off carrying more of the workload until we get there.  So c’mon, talk!”  It was obvious by now these two weren’t going to budge, so Derpy figured she at least had the time to give them the short version.  Well, the short version of the fiction she and Carrot had concocted, at least.

“Alright, alright, I’ve got some time, but I can only give you the condensed version right now.  I’ve gotta try to get my old job back this morning, and you know how Postmark can be.  Best to get him early in the day before things get too busy for him.”

While the story remained the same, Derpy couldn’t help but feel a little more guilty than she had yesterday telling it now.  It just felt more wrong lying to two of her best friends like that, especially Cloud; they’d been friends since they were both fillies, and Cloud had always looked out for her during some of the rougher patches she’d been through.  She may not have joined the Royal Guard like most other Kickers, but she definitely had quite the protective-streak running through her, especially when it came to watching out for her closest friends.  Still, it couldn’t be helped, not unless Derpy wanted to open up a whole new can of worms and cause herself all sorts of trouble.

When she finished, both Cloud and Blossomforth were staring at her with slack-jawed expressions.  Cloud was the first to snap out of it.

“Wow… that’s quite the trip you went on,” she remarked in bewilderment.  “I don’t know what to say, Derpy.  Feather me, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”

Now it was Derpy’s turn to be confused.  “Sorry?  For what?”

“I’m supposed to be your friend, Derpy.  Hay, I’ve known you since we were both fillies.  And yet I never noticed you were struggling.  That you needed someone, something in your life to make it better.  I just… some friend I am.”  Both Derpy and Blossomforth were caught off guard by Cloud’s remarks and downcast demeanor, and Blossomforth quickly rubbed her shoulders with a reassuring hoof.

“Hey, don’t say that, none of us noticed,” Blossomforth comforted her.  “It’s not like Derpy was begging for help or anything.  Sounds like she kept a lot of this pretty well buried, right?”

Derpy nodded in confirmation.  “Blossom’s right, Cloud.  I thought I could just grin and bear my problems on my own.  That didn’t make either of you any less of friends.  You just had your own lives, your own dreams and problems, and I… well, I just didn’t want to make my burdens your own.  I didn’t want to even confront them, much less force ponies I cared about to do so.”  Cloud frowned as she processed these rebuttals but soon grudgingly nodded.

“Alright, fine, maybe there wasn’t anything more I could’ve done.  Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.  I mean, horsefeathers, there were times we thought you were dead!”  Teasingly she conked Derpy over the head.  “Don’t ever do that again, you knucklehead, you had me worried sick!”

“Gee Cloud, sounds like you sure missed me,” Derpy teased.

“Of course I did!  The mere thought of never seeing your delectable bubble butt ever again was almost more than I could handle,” Cloud declared, followed by an over-the-top swoon as though even now the suggestion alone pained her still.  “Although now that I mention it, I must say, your bubble butt lost a little bit of its bubble, what gives?”

“Oh you know, been eating better, working out a lot.  All Full Heart’s doing, mind you.  Why, you don’t like the new me?”

“I don’t know.  You have me in quite the pickle.  On the one hoof, you had one of the finest posteriors in all of Equestria.  On the other hoof, this new, lean you is looking fine, very fine indeed.  Hmmm, decisions, decisions… ah to hay with it, you’re as bangable as ever, that’s all that really matters!”  Cloud and Derpy broke into a fit of giggles while an evidently unamused Blossomforth just sat there shaking her head in dismay at her marefriend’s behavior.

“Remind me again why I’m still with you?” she asked drolly.

“Well where does one even start?  Between my looks, my undeniable charm, and the irresistible allure that just seems to resonate from me, I’m surprised you didn’t get with me sooner,” Cloud reflected, clearly buying every word coming out of her mouth.

“Nah, it’s probably just that you’re half-decent in the sack,” Blossomforth countered, setting off a fresh round of guffaws about the whole table.  Derpy wiped a few tears from her eyes as she calmed down, the first happy ones she’d had in some time.

“Oh boy, I missed you guys a lot,” she said.  “Well, this was fun, but I really have to get going.  Promised Carrot I’d get a job this week after all, and I intend to do just that.  See you around girls, we’ll have to catch up some more sometime soon!”

“Of course, have a nice day, Derpy, and good luck with the job hunt!” Blossomforth called out.

“Our bed’s always open for some ‘catching up’!” Cloud declared, earning her one more cuff over the head from Blossomforth.  Derpy sighed as she departed Sugarcube Corner, a warm feeling of content spreading throughout her whole body.  So far so good, all things considered.  In her first morning back home she’d made a new friend and reconnected with some old familiar faces, and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.  It was still going to take some time to readjust, but more and more she really felt like she was back home, back where she belonged, and old friends like Cloud and Blossomforth certainly helped.

It was nice to see that some things never changed.